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From Our Investigative Desk:

"Iguana Mafia CrimeLord Attempting to Move In On Cleveland?"
Saturday, May 03, 2003

Unnamed but reliable sources have brought to the attention of local news media the existence of an immanent resurgence in the Iguana Mafia Underground in Cleveland Ohio. Recent intelligence reports indicate that this is evidenced by email communication intercepts discussing the pending relocation of one Tita “The Blade” Turello to an undisclosed residence in the nearby city of Lakewood. For those who have not been following documentary news reports on this and related matters, Tita is a known figure in the Virginian underworld, with a considerable rap sheet. Our FBI sources indicate that, in all likelihood, “Tita Turello” is an assumed name, but were unable to provide us with Ms. Turello's real name. The same sources have revealed that she is also a key suspect in a number of unsolved cases in the Virginia and DC area, which may be one factor in her current change of domiciles.

Tita is expected to be traveling in the company of an individual who goes by the name of “Zetekitoxin”. Zetekitoxin is a suspected Pothos Smuggler and Dealer who has been observed in at least one internet newsgroup attempting to lure young and impressionable skinks into the dark underworld of Pothos use and addiction.

Tita is currently under investigation for Interstate Racketeering and Pothos Drug Smuggling, as well as being implicated in a number of other felonies, none of which have as yet resulted in a conviction. We have been informed that the Drug Enforcement Agency have been collaborating with the Federal Bureau of Investigations as well as the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms in working on a sting operation involving this case. While not currently considered a suspect in international weapons smuggling, Tita is considered to be armed and extremely dangerous.

Speculation abounds regarding the affiliation of Tita with the local Drug Lord, Stinker the Skink. Stinker had recently been held in protective custody, as Stinker was a key witness to several unfortunate felonious assaults and possible attempted murder involving the late Gizzard Khan’s tail-whipping of a cat who was later found guilty of feline curiosity. While Feline Curiosity * is * considered by some to be a felony crime which at times mandates even paying the ultimate price to society (Curiosity can indeed kill the Cat, or at least make him subject to the death penalty), Giz was, (despite his profession as Iguana Mafia Don), NOT legally authorized to make that determination, let alone authorized in the use of deadly force in a situation that was reported by bystanders as involving an unprovoked attack on his merely inquisitive neighbor.

A local authority on the Iguana Mafia Crime Families was willing to provide analysis of these developments, on the condition that he remain anonymous.

He commented that while earlier rumors had been rife with the suggestion that Stinker was initiating a personal takeover of the Cleveland Crime Gangs, evidence recently obtained from email intercepts and wiretaps indicate that the extensive communications between Stinker and the Washington DC Pothos Drug Cartel involved Stinker’s accepting the position of Consigliore to Ms. Turello. Furthermore, Stinker has a known history of struggling with Pothos addiction, which would tend to suggest that his personal circumstances may have precluded any further professional advancement.

He also mentioned related events which merited watching, in particular a recent expansion of the Iguana Mafia into the Detroit, Michigan area, in which they were observed going to considerable effort and expense in the recruiting of an academic science professional whom our source referred to only by the code name of “Stubbie”. Stubbie is a diminutive middle aged iguana who’s distinctive characteristic is a brown tail with minimal striping. This tail had been completely broken when Stubbie saw combat, during the years he spent wearing the green and brown camouflage of a Marine. Stubbie’s background, besides his military record, includes a number of years as a renowned research scientist in the field of organic chemistry and pharmaceuticals. Due to corporate upheavals beyond his control, Stubbie had been forced to retire from pure science to pursue a career as a science teacher. During one of his rare interviews, Stubbie had indicated regret at leaving teaching, but that he could no longer support his lifestyle on the inadequate compensation he received in academia. He also commented that his new employers, while somewhat guarded and vague regarding the extent and nature of their company’s activities and revenue streams, were “lavish” in the opportunities they afforded him to resume his research in the fields of horticultural research and organic chemistry, as well as the unprecedented guarantees they offered for secure lifetime employment with the corporate “family”.

Finally, one cannot disregard the one factor that both permits Tita’s relocation and brings into sharp focus significant questions as to the extent of her alliances and involvement with foreign cults and political organizations: namely, her immanent release from the innocuously named Northern Virginia Reptile Cult Rescue. The NVRCR, for those who may be unfamiliar with this organization, is a very high security encampment. While ostentatiously run by charitable individuals who do not even charge a fee for their services, our investigative reporters have found that the organization actually has supporters and connections in the highest echelons of government and at the highest levels of power.

Access to the grounds is limited to those with MJ-12 level security clearance, and even then requires prior approval by the Director of Operations, an individual known only by his code name, BoxTurtle. Even then, the visitor is limited to a strictly scheduled and supervised visit.

While little is known about the NVRCR at present, it is suspected that iguanas and others with questionable backgrounds are incarcerated at a detention center on the premises for questioning regarding international terrorist affiliations, including those involved with Al-Iguana, the infamous Skink Liberation Party, and even the followers of the highly secretive revolutionary organization, the Devotees of Chairman Miaow.

As an addendum, it is not common knowledge that the Drug Lord Stinker has had communiqués with the Cthulu Order of the Cricket Cult, or that his rarely seen affiliate, Attila the Monitor is rumored to be a member of the Tanzanian Illuminati.

Further breaking news updates to be provided, as always, by your loyal journalistic staff at CIN, the Cleveland Iguana News.