Dog Destiny

Condor and the CIA

by Secret Agent Smith

Site Map
with story and page
descriptions
The F.A.Q.
Under development. Updated July 16, 2003
About the Author
coming soon
Credits
Iguana Care Sheet
Contributions
Suspect Profiles
Agents
Introduction (Begin)
About the Iguana Mafia
Prologue
Drunk Lizards
Dog Destiny
Iguanas and Yellow Labs
Stinker: Protective Custody
Stinker: Miracle Poo
Stinker Still Not Eating
File Photographs: Suspects
Stinker's Diet (Update)
Stinker and Zetekitoxin
Mystical Powers
Possible Iguana
Stubbie is Recruited
Email intercept by SnakeKing
CrimeLord Moving to Cleveland
CrimeLord Arrives in Cleveland
Sorath's True Identity
Garbled Wiretap
Matters for Consideration
Telephone Outrage
Iguana Mafia Raided
Sorath's Evil Eye
UV-Lamp Dealer
"Save a Cricket" Expose
More Iguana Mafia
coming soon

I thought you should all know. There is a terrible, tragic situation here in Cleveland. First, some background. You are probably not acquainted with Condor, who is a Yellow Lab residing in Lakewood, close by the Iguana Mafia headquarters. Condor is what most would consider to be rather a Nice Dog. He’s gentle, he’s loving, he’s (mostly) obedient. He wags his tail and offers his paw in hopes of garnering a scrap of attention and an ear scritch. Condor, like Attila the Savannah Monitor, is somewhat on the portly side. That is to say, three more snacks and he will be wider than he is long. Condor likes to eat.

Condor is actually named after the movie “Three Days of the Condor”, which he had thought, in his younger and more innocent days, to be a nature documentary about scavenger birds. This had been fine by him, since he could definitely relate to creatures that would enjoy eating things that had been long dead and were even a tad past their prime. I mean, several times, Condor had had the sheer ecstasy of being given some leftovers straight from the refrigerator just because his humans thought said leftovers had been in the fridge too long. Once, he even was given an entire steak, just because the humans thought it smelled a bit “iffy”! (As if ANY steak could ever smell “iffy”).

But I digress. One day, while still just a pup, Condor was with his human as she watched a movie. The movie was “Three Days of the Condor”. It was not, by any stretch of the imagination, a nature documentary about the Vulture gryphus1, the Gymnogyps californianus2, the Sarcoramphus papa3, or any other member of the family Cathartidae . In fact, it was not about vultures, buzzards, seagulls, crows, or for that matter, any other kind of avifauna.

It was about the CIA. It was about conspiracies. It was about excitement, danger, life on the edge…and it was about a blond, just like him. Condor learned that he was named after a CIA agent.

Condor had met his destiny. His true calling was to be an Undercover Special Agent. He was to work secretly, in Covert Operations. He would investigate conspiracies, and guard against Enemy Conspirators and Invaders. And not just Invaders like Postmen and Burglars. Condor would Protect the World against Bad Guys everywhere, just as soon as he figured out who they were. He knew They were out there. After all, since seeing that movie, he knew he had a destiny and a calling, and this was clearly because there was true cause. Paladins such as he exist only because there is indeed a need to rid the world of Evil Forces, and the Postman was proof positive that there were indeed Evil Forces out there. He would not be called to this work, if there was no need for his skills.

Of course, he would have to work undercover. His humans would not understand. His humans were naïve and sheltered, and tended to take a dim view of any of his previous endeavors towards guarding the homestead.

For example: every single day he would sound the alarm when the Evil Postman attempted yet again to breach the house defenses, even going so far as to place objects (very likely explosives) into the mailbox.

And every day, he would manage to convince said Postman to abandon his efforts. And every day, his humans would express their displeasure at his work, going so far as to yell at him, when all he was trying to do was protect them from this likely terrorist. Indeed, they would even bring the objects he left inside, despite his best efforts to dissuade them from this misguided action.

Though, to give them credit, perhaps they were also gathering evidence. After all, they did save most of what the Postman left, and they were astute enough to recognize that much of it was ill-omened content. This was abundantly clear: his humans would view the objects and then make comments about how “They” were taking everything we had, and “They” wanted more, and “They” had sent a bill for THAT MUCH…. Obviously, They were a force to be reckoned with, if his humans would complain about They that much, and yet never do anything about the They.

Condor’s work was clear. He would work undercover, and he would assume a disguise. After long and careful consideration, he determined that the best disguise would be to continue his work as Bodyguard and Protectorate of the Gilbert Household, as well as to continue to maintain the role of a Nice Dog.

As a Covert Forces Special Agent, he would rid the world of They. Just as soon as he figured out who They was. He knew that They had an agent who visited the house daily (The Postman), but They clearly had further involvement with his protectorate than just this single uniformed and visible agent.

As he began his investigations, Condor found evidence of these forces, in some of the most unlikely places.

Indeed, he found cause for suspicions about some of the * activities * in his own domicile, as his human receives near daily visits from a certain individual who is known by some under the pseudonym “Chaosmage”. During a number of these visits by this Chaosmage, Condor has managed to listen in on the conversations, by feigning a desire for attention and an ear scritch.

From these conversations, Condor has learned Terrible Things. Condor discovered that he lives three houses down from the domicile of the local Mafia Don Sorath and the Pothos Drug Lord (and addict), Stinker the Skink. Chaosmage, as it turns out, is one of Sorath’s closest associates.

Condor realized that the only thing he could do was to find some way to contact those who Upheld the Law for the Good of All, and let them know about the Horrifying Truths which he had discovered. Surely if he did this, he would be allowed into the Elite camaraderie of the Forces of Good: he would himself fulfill his destiny as an Undercover Special Agent.

This is how we acquired one of our most useful Informants.

1)Andean Condor. 2)California Condor. 3) King Vulture.