Stinker In Protective Custody

Or: Stinker Won't Eat

by Agent Lizard-Keeper

Site Map
with story and page
descriptions
The F.A.Q.
Under development. Updated July 16, 2003
About the Author
coming soon
Credits
Iguana Care Sheet
Contributions
Suspect Profiles
Agents
Introduction (Begin)
About the Iguana Mafia
Prologue
Drunk Lizards
Dog Destiny
Iguanas and Yellow Labs
Stinker: Protective Custody
Stinker: Miracle Poo
Stinker Still Not Eating
File Photographs: Suspects
Stinker's Diet (Update)
Stinker and Zetekitoxin
Mystical Powers
Possible Iguana
Stubbie is Recruited
Email intercept by SnakeKing
CrimeLord Moving to Cleveland
CrimeLord Arrives in Cleveland
Sorath's True Identity
Garbled Wiretap
Matters for Consideration
Telephone Outrage
Iguana Mafia Raided
Sorath's Evil Eye
UV-Lamp Dealer
"Save a Cricket" Expose
More Iguana Mafia
coming soon

From: Agent (Code-Name) Lizard-Keeper:
To: Agent Smith
Re: Reptile Gangster, Stinker (witness) Won't Eat.

Agent Smith,

Hey, I think we know each other. Weren't we in the same class back in the Agency, under Professor K? And here we are, years later, assigned to different parts of the the same assignment. Go figure. Small world and all that.

I'm contacting you for some advice regarding certain issues I am encountering in my current assignment. I have received the impression, based on recent conversations, that feeding pizza to an iguana is a bad idea, generally speaking. I extrapolated from that that feeding pizza to a Solomon Isle Skink (which eats similarly to an iguana), is also a bad idea. OK. I can work with that. I can even relate to it: I understand that pizza, while tasting wonderful, is also bad in large doses for humans. (Or at least for the human's cellulite and adipose tissue volume, not to mention the body mass index).

Herein lies my problem.

Stinker, the Solomon Isle Skink, is doing what he considers to be Life in Prison. I should clarify this. He has inherited Gizzard's former domicile as his personal mansion, where I am responsible for coordinating his 24/7 protective custody and house arrest, pending the results of our investigation into a felony assault and attempted murder case involving the Iguana Mafia. Which, with the way this case is going, could be forever. From what I understand, he's going into the Federal Witness Protection Program, and I am responsible for his Protection. Sigh.

To refresh your memory, Stinker was a key witness to several unfortunate felonious assaults and possible murder attempts involving Gizzard Khan's tail-whipping of a cat who was later found guilty of feline curiosity. While Feline Curiosity * is * considered a felony crime which at times mandates even paying the ultimate price to society (Curiosity can indeed kill the Cat, or at least make him subject to the death penalty), Giz was, despite his profession, NOT legally authorized to make that determination, let alone use deadly force in a situation that was reported by bystanders as involving an unprovoked attack on his merely inquisitive neighbor.

But I digress. Regarding Stinker: unfortunately, his belief regarding his current situation is that he is now residing in what is the equivalent of a large prison cell in the Federal Penitentiary. Never mind that it is approximately four or five times the size of the domicile of the Solomon Isle Skink incarcerated at the Cleveland Zoo. (I'm not kidding here). Never mind that it contains MANY branches, three hides, two spider plants, one of which does double duty as a fourth hide, a three and a half foot fake ficus tree, many (fake) vines, AND a tanning booth and a large indoor swimming pool. Ok, so the tanning booth is really just a heat lamp and the swimming pool does not quite meet Olympic standard dimensions, its just a converted kitty litter-box, but still....

Anyway, Stinker, in his infinite reptilian wisdom, has decided that the assorted variations on the MK Iguana Salad that His Reptilian Majesty has been served and has been eating for the last two years or so is No Longer Acceptable, and now clearly tastes like Prison Food. Or at least like that vegetarian loaf they serve in prison. Which is to say, Nasty. This despite the fact that he by his own choice is a practicing Vegan.

Stinker now apparently believes that he can subsist on a diet composed entirely of Spider Plant and kiwi fruit. I have endeavored, at length, to explain to him that the MK diet, which is made by throwing a wide range of fruit, vegetables, and greens into a food processor along with vitamins, calcium, and all kinds of healthful stuff, is better for him than the restricted diet he has chosen, but he is steadfast in his faith in his new practice, and declines to reconsider. I suspect that he has been talking to religious cultists somewhere.

An enforced week of deprogramming, with a restricted diet of MK salad, sans spider plant, kiwi, or any other side dishes, resulted in a hunger strike. The human involved (myself) blinked first.

Help? I have rather a large quantity of this pureed vegetarian lizard glop on hand. And I am personally, not exactly willing to eat it myself. Even though it technically contains food I eat anyway. I just really prefer my collard greens on a separate plate from my kiwi fruit, oranges, and squash. Not to mention cooked. And I just hate to see food go to waste.

I read somewhere that some lizards would rather starve to death than adjust what they ate. (Unlike iguanas, who are essentially, picky gluttons). Are Solomons that fanatical about their diets?

How do I get vitamins into a skink that has gone on a fad diet?

I am serious in my inquiries regarding this problem. I have been informed in no uncertain terms by my superiors on The Hill that this green immigrant lizard is to be treated like some sort of royalty, and that if so much as a single scale is damaged on his royal hide, there will be hell to pay, and I personally will be looking forward to a nice career guarding some toilet out in the middle of the Mojave Desert. NOT my idea of a good time.

OH, I am also stuck with this newbie idiot intelligence grunt in some nondescript black suit, earpiece, AND black sunglasses, who is as we speak attempting to look inconspicuous while he plays at pretending to be some sort of local hired bodyguard. Riiight. I suppose I'll have to figure out what the recommended care and feeding is for the guy in the suit also. I wonder if he likes Vegetarian Loaf? Nothing like working with the Men In Black.

Though on second thought, he is the easy part. I'm just taking care to act suspicious around him, and then feeding him a lot of jargon, information, and code words, delivered in a near
whisper while appearing to pay attention to anybody but him. After all, these M.I.B. are very
shy and secretive creatures, especially when being fed information. I think it comes from being so incredibly bad at camouflage.

Sincerely,

Agent Lizard-Keeper

PS: is this a stupid code-name or what? I hate this job).

PPS: How about after this gig is up, we go out, have a few drinks, for old times' sake?