The Iguana Mafia

Stubbie

Site Map
with story and page
descriptions
The F.A.Q.
Under development. Updated July 16, 2003
About the Author
coming soon
Credits
Iguana Care Sheet
Contributions
Suspect Profiles
Agents
Introduction (Begin)
About the Iguana Mafia
Prologue
Drunk Lizards
Dog Destiny
Iguanas and Yellow Labs
Stinker: Protective Custody
Stinker: Miracle Poo
Stinker Still Not Eating
File Photographs: Suspects
Stinker's Diet (Update)
Stinker and Zetekitoxin
Mystical Powers
Possible Iguana
Stubbie is Recruited
Email intercept by SnakeKing
CrimeLord Moving to Cleveland
CrimeLord Arrives in Cleveland
Sorath's True Identity
Garbled Wiretap
Matters for Consideration
Telephone Outrage
Iguana Mafia Raided
Sorath's Evil Eye
UV-Lamp Dealer
"Save a Cricket" Expose
More Iguana Mafia
coming soon

To: My Esteemed Colleagues,

From: Chaosmage

I met with "Stubbie" today. Stubbie is an alert, inquisitive, docile, and stressed out iguana. He's about two feet long, scrawny little bit of a thing, just a green bag of bones, really. Tail was once broken, has grown back.

My sister wasn't kidding about his "reduced circumstances". He's been living on a diet of frozen vegetables and crickets. (Yes, you heard me correctly). Living in a tiny apartment, with barely any heat and almost no furniture. If we set him up with living in the back seat of an old car, he would think it was an improvement.

My sister also was not kidding about his scientific talent, his brilliance, and his potential usefulness to the Organization.

I told my sister, no way is this lizard going back to his old job, and suggested that she "arrange" some alternatives.

To make a long story short: Stubbie thinks he has died and gone to heaven. I believe so long as Stubbie is kept unaware as to his true employers, we will have no difficulty with him. I have attached a copy of an (intercepted) letter he wrote to his Mother.

Respectfully,

Chaosmage

Dear Mom,

I have begun to realize that, since leaving my old job and going to work for these new employers, I am going to be living the life of Riley. In my former profession in the halls of academia, I had to make do with unbelievably limited resources, and thus could only afford that tiny third floor apartment, with not much more than a few milk crates for furniture. And it seemed likeI have had to live on pretty much just spaghetti noodles and bologna sandwiches most of the time: my paycheck just didn't stretch far enough to leave much room for luxuries like decent food.

And for a time, you know, it seemed worth it, especially working with the kids. But you know, I'm not getting any younger, and with the hours I've had to keep, and all of those endless staff meetings...well, to make a long story short, when I received this offer to take this new position, I just couldn't turn it down. Even though I couldn't really find much about them, so it did involve taking a risk, but with the pending budget cuts, I didn't really feel like I had much choice.

The pay they offered was incredible, and while the position involved relocating and taking up residence on my new employer's estates, (they have extremely tight security) they actually indicated that as part of his benefit package, I would be provided a completely furnished residence onsite, with meals included. And I have to tell you, the food is great, and there is actually a kitchen staff on hand, that provide meals to all the employees on this estate. And yes, meals are included in the benefit package. I'm never eating plain spaghetti and cold pizza again.

So, as much as I am going to miss working with the kids, there was just no way I could turn down this position. Even if the human resources person that interviewed with me was a little vague on the job description. I finally decided, you have to just trust people sometimes, take a few risks. Even if they do have weird names, and ask a lot of strange questions. Of course, nowadays, with all the cultural changes, I suppose a name like "Chaosmage" isn't all that strange. But it's nice to know that one is going to work for a company that has such an interest in loyalty, so much so that considers it's employees to be members of the family. They don't even have lay-offs or downsizing: the person doing the hiring actually said "understand: if you join, you are with us for life." Who can argue with that kind of job security?

I promise I will call when I get a chance.

Love,

Stubbie

Addendum note: While he has, during his rare moments of leisure, had occasion to watch an episode or two of "The Sopranos", Stubbie has not at this point recognized the significance of certain recent events in his life. He does not yet grasp the implications of his lengthy visit and dinner with a certain individual who goes by the code name "Chaosmage", and who is consigliere for the Cleveland Iguana Mafia and is in her own right a major Pothos Drug Lord and Catnip Dealer. What Stubbie does not yet realize, and what his former life as a schoolteacher has not prepared him for, is that he is now a part of the Great Lakes Iguana Mafia Family. He is now Connected. His life will never be the same.


*consigliere (noun): An adviser or counselor, especially to a capo or leader of an organized crime syndicate"
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition
Copyright © 2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company.
Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.